I am sorry it has taken us so long to reply. Let me try to help how I can
You mentioned that you were considering "forming my own belief system", dear friend it is what we are doing everyday. Yes being a Christian Witch is difficult it is slowly walking the road less traveled. There are not many books and resources because it is not the main stream. I love Jesus with all of may heart and soul, if you read my bio it may give you more insight. I also strongly believe in and have expierienced magis. As a young child I knew that Jesus, Mary, and magic were all very real and that I could call on both Jesus and Mary in my time of need. I was raised Catholic so loving the mother was an accepted part of my life. What was not accepted was magic. I was so confused. I knew there was life after death, I had seen spirits and I was a child , not evil, not sinful. I was very innocent and the idea of being a witch was very scary.
As I got older I became a "Holiday" catholic and only went to church as needed. The hipocrasy that I found there seemed in direct contradiction to what Jesus taught. The congregation was cold and impersonal. I watched as they went to church and left as soon as the priest said "Go in Peace" a large percentage did not even wait for the Priest to finish his sentence. This was not faith and I am not even sure that it could be defined as religion for those hurrying out. On the other side the wiccans I met were quick to persecute my Jesus if I even mentioned his name. It seemed as much as anyone spoke of love and acceptance both religion were set on being separate and in opposition.
I did what many others have done and simply stopped going to church, I had my tarot but I was solitary and used the cards for comfort only. I prayed to Jesus but still spoke to the spirits of my ansestors and I spoke to Jesus as a friend. I carried on this way for years. I eventually started practicing magic again without faith. When The cock crowed, I denied him. When I did so my heart broke. I had another crisis of faith. I threw away all the magical tools and avoided the pagan circles. I made my amends with Jesus yet felt empty. I was not listening to what Jesus was teaching me. I was not walking a path, I was paralyzed in fear. I was afraid to be in the magic community and love Jesus, and there was no room in the Christian community for magic.
I started googling everything and studying and my journey began in earnest. The found a yahoo group http://groups.yahoo.com/group/thechristianwitch/ and joined. I also started reading my Bible through my own eyes. I was not attending church but listening with my heart. Man wrote the book. There are many many parts that are true and inspired by God, these parts "ring true" when I read. There are other parts that are very simply written by "Law" and "Man" I ignore them, they do not ring true and contradict God's golden rule. God is a perfect omnipresent being and it doesn't make sense that a perfect being is in the Habit of contradicting Him/Her/ It self!
I met my husband to be. He is a gnostic and he has helped me in so many ways. He also practices and lives magic. He accepted me as I am. Our beliefs are not exactly the same but the are very similar. The CW group from yahoo is still a part of my life. I also kept seeking. Jesus told us "Seek and you shall find". My spirit guide found me and I realized she/he never left. What is a guardian angel? When I was in grade school there was a dog that walked to school with me everyday. I later mentioned the dog to my family and neighbors, they told me there was never a dog. In my dreams the animal kingdom has played a large role as well. I adore animals so it makes perfect sense that a guardian would choose a form I could love and trust. In time I was led back to Tarot. Dreams returned and magic began anew in my life. I attended rennisance fairs and other places where I new the magic community was. I did not go around waving a Christian with flag, but I was comfortable with myself and what others viewed as my "contradictions" .
I recently moved to a new state and took another step. I have joined a group of women in searching for the Goddess. I do this with eyes wide open. They understand from the Beginning Jesus is my lord. And God is simply God to me, both man, woman and neither.
I pray I will find that the "Gentle Woman" will also be with me on my path.
One thing I have done in each new adventure is pray. I ask for God's hand and grace upon my family, myself and my path. I look for God's affirmation in what I am doing. If God tells me no, then I do not proceed. If I have guilt, I reevaluate perhaps God is trying to tell me something. Walking this path requires that you see and hear what God is saying. It is difficult but what else should we expect. Jesus himself told us that to be a Christian was to risk persecution.
I found a book on Amazon while searching for random anything .. I started reading it and I admit I cried. Perhaps it may help you as well. What ever you do keep searching for the truth and the truth will find you. Do not let yourself get hung up on lables and terminology, this is need for a lable is something society has ingrained in you and frankly it is not true at all. You do not have to declare yourself. religion is a man made entity with rules and politics, faith however is a journey with God. I hope I see you again on my path.
Angel The Path of a Christian Witch
by Adelina St. Clair