Title: Silly Joke
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Yvettea
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(Date Posted:30/10/2011 2:50 AM)
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Montana Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." 

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." 
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."


(...Scroll down, you're gonna love this...)







The bartender says,

"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

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Yvettea
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Re:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:02/11/2011 10:09 AM)

A game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. 
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakenedto find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion. "What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. "Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,let him get himself out of it."
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auntieCtheM
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RE:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:02/11/2011 2:20 PM)

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ilovepinkandpurple
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Reply To Yvettea
(Date Posted:02/11/2011 4:52 PM)

Reply to Yvettea (02/11/2011 10:09 AM)

A game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. 
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakenedto find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion. "What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. "Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,let him get himself out of it."
smiley109smiley109smiley109

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sofie2
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Re:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:02/11/2011 5:32 PM)

 Brilliant, Yvette!

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese at me. "Hmm, that's mature". I thought.
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Yvettea
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Re:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:03/11/2011 12:49 PM)

Good one, Sofie!
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ilovepinkandpurple
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Reply To sofie2
(Date Posted:03/11/2011 1:36 PM)

Reply to sofie2 (02/11/2011 5:32 PM)

 Brilliant, Yvette!
I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese at me. "Hmm, that's mature". I thought.


smiley109smiley109smiley111
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Noisyworld
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RE:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:03/11/2011 5:22 PM)

The cricketers who got found guilty of match fixing are going to be sent to jail for between 6 months and 2-&-a-half years...

does that make them 3 not out?

Howzat for a silly joke?

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ilovepinkandpurple
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Reply To Noisyworld
(Date Posted:03/11/2011 5:32 PM)

Reply to Noisyworld (03/11/2011 5:22 PM)

The cricketers who got found guilty of match fixing are going to be sent to jail for between 6 months and 2-&-a-half years...

does that make them 3 not out?

Howzat for a silly joke?


smiley9i dont get it
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Noisyworld
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RE:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:03/11/2011 6:09 PM)

3 (runs) not out (they're still batting) is a cricket score and if they're all 3 locked up in jail they're not getting out for at least 6 months.

It's a bit mean but if you like cricket it's funny smiley108

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sofie2
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Re:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:04/11/2011 5:00 AM)

 lol!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said: "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said: "You're obviously not listening".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It’s me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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ilovepinkandpurple
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Reply To Noisyworld
(Date Posted:04/11/2011 11:08 AM)

Reply to Noisyworld (03/11/2011 6:09 PM)

3 (runs) not out (they're still batting) is a cricket score and if they're all 3 locked up in jail they're not getting out for at least 6 months.

It's a bit mean but if you like cricket it's funny smiley108



i dont watch cricket thats why i dont get it
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ilovepinkandpurple
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RE:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:04/11/2011 11:27 AM)

love the jokeabout the labador the bestsmiley109smiley109smiley109
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Hurtyback
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Re:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:05/11/2011 9:43 AM)

Nice ones, Sofie!
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Yvettea
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Re:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:06/11/2011 2:13 PM)

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.  

The
driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed! 
 
 
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.


When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an

"AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. 
 He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.  
 
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, 
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"   

Two months later they're in court. 
 The 'violator' has a bad
driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he
hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; 
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"  

Officer responds, 
"Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."  

Lawyer: 
"Officer, is there any particular marking or notation
on this ticket you don't normally make?"
 

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
  

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

  

"Aggressive and hostile?" 

  

"Yes, Sir.”


"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?" 
  
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
  
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
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Yvettea
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Re:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:06/11/2011 2:14 PM)

You  can’t trust a golfer…… 

A circus owner runs an ad  for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his  late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The  circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one  ferocious lion.  
He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or  you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun.
Who wants  to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the  chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The  lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there,  she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion  stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her  feet and ankles.  He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several  minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is  on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He  then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The  tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of  there."
   
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Yvettea
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RE:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:06/11/2011 2:18 PM)

Update  on Cinderella  



Cinderella  is now 95 years old.

After  a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she  happily sits upon her rocking chair,  watching the  world go by from her front porch, with a  cat named  Bob for companionship.

One  sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared  the
fairy  godmother.


Cinderella  said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing  here after all these years'?

The  fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you  have lived  an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is  there anything  for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella  was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful  consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The  prince was wonderful, but not much of an  investor.
I'm  living hand to mouth on my pension,  and I  wish I were wealthy again. "

Instantly  her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella  said, 'Ooh,  thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The  fairy godmother replied,  'It  is the least that I can do.
What  do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella  looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I  wish I were young and full of the beauty and  youth I  once had.'

At  once, her wish became reality, and her  beautiful
young  visage returned.

And  then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You  have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella  looks over to the frightened cat in the corner  and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my  old cat, into a kind and handsome young  man.'

Magically,  Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a  change in his biological make-up that, when he  stood before  her, he was a man so handsome the likes of  him neither  she nor the world had ever seen.

The  fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations,  Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With  a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the  fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she  appeared.

For  a few eerie moments, Bob  and Cinderella looked into each other's  eyes.

Cinderella  sat, breathless, gazing at the most  beautiful, stunningly  handsome man she had ever seen.

Then  Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat  transfixed in  her rocking chair and held her close in his  young muscular  arms.  They kissed passionately and she led him to her bedroom. Cinderella  felt stirrings  inside her  that had been dormant for years. 

Bob  leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with  his
warm  breath as he whispered...

'Are  you sorry now that you had me castrated?'
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ilovepinkandpurple
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RE:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:06/11/2011 3:04 PM)

smiley109smiley109smiley109smiley109
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sofie2
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Re:Silly Joke
(Date Posted:06/11/2011 3:22 PM)

 lol
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